X-Rated Egg Nog Pudding
A variation of this recipe was first documented a few years ago. I thought I might share it again, with a few modifications and simplifications. It is X-rated because of the alcohol content and because it is simply obscene to those who are dieting. There is absolutely no attempt whatever here to avoid top-quality ingredients and maximized flavor, regardless of the delicacy of it's preparation. If you are afraid of cholesterol or fat - if you are under 21, if calories frighten you and if culinary perversity is against your religion, please delete this while you still can.
INGREDIENTS FOR EGG NOG PUDDING::
HARDWARE:
A gallon cooking pot such as a pressure cooker base.
A frying pan.
A small mixing bowl.
A few basic kitchen utensils.
Dessert serving bowls. Use the crystal.
SOFTWARE:
3 quarts of the best quality Egg Nog you can find.
1 medium package of walnut halves. (about 2 cups)
1 large package of pecan halves. (about 3 cups)
1/2 cup of cornstarch.
A pound of butter.
Cinnamon, Cloves, Allspice, Nutmeg, Ginger.
1 Pint or more of Southern Comfort liquor. OPTION for hippocrites; Rum extract.
At least one hour of your time and personal attention.
24 hours of time in advance of your party.
GO:
Put 1/2 pound of butter in a frying pan and melt it. Do not allow the butter to become hot enough to foam, smoke or turn brown. Add the walnuts, increase the heat slightly and stir the walnuts constantly with an egg turner. As the butter BEGINS to foam, remove from heat and let the walnuts begin to turn slightly brown. Stir constantly while they take on a toasted appearance. When they are golden browned, remove them from the stove and let them cool for about five minutes. Drain them on a paper towel. Why are we doing this? To keep the walnuts from soaking up moisture from the pudding. Pour the unused butter into a catch-dish and wipe the frying pan.
NEXT:
Add another 1/2 pound of butter to make up for that which was used on the walnuts. Melt it - don't let it foam. Add the pecans and go through the same process. The walnuts and pecans have different flavors and you want to preserve that contrast of tastes. Set them aside and let them drain on a paper towel. You can cook these a bit hotter if you like, don't burn the butter. You can use the left-over butter for other dishes. It will have a wonderful nutty flavor. Not too good for popcorn, but great for dressings, gravies, brownies, especially to grease the pans with.
NEXT:
Pour all your eggnog into your cooking pot and start warming it VERY SLOWLY on LOW HEAT. It will take forever of course, and this will assure you of eternal life. This is also a good time to begin tasting the Southern Comfort. You should sample it often as Southern Comfort looses its punch over time and you need to have some idea of how much to add to the pudding. How much to use is purely at the discretion of the Chef (you). STIR CONSTANTLY as you add the spices - keep out the nutmeg. That's for on-top..
HOW MUCH OF THE SPICES TO ADD:
A lot less than you might think. just a PINCH each. If you hear someone say "Oh my, the cinnamon just makes it perfect." Or if someone says "Is this cloves in this?" - then you have used TOO MUCH spice. In short, if the spice can be identified, you have lost all sense of normal proportion. Keep in mind that Nutmeg in large quantities has a psychedellic effect. Apply that very sparingly, except in Aunt Martha's cup. She could use a good halucination.
STIR stir STIR stir STIR stir, etcetera.
HOW MUCH OF THE SOUTHERN COMFORT TO ADD:
I use 1/3 pint while the pudding is warming and cooking. Actually, the alcohol evaporates (most of it anyway) while the cooking is going on, leaving behind the FLAVOR. You can also use rum extract option if the booze bothers you, but that's kind of chicken considering the evaporation of it. Less is More during cooking. The eggnog will react exactly like a person when you pour it in - that is, it will roil and tumble, blanch a little bit, cough and gag, and then settle down to a blissful peace. You may add another third of the bottle at the very end of the recipe just before the nuts. Or you can drink it yourself or send it to me and I'll drink it for you. I can assure you it doesn't make me a damn. I drank mine. If you are still sober enough, it is time to mix the cornstarch while the mix is cooking slowly on LOW heat.
STIR stir STIR stir STIR stir, etcetera.
NEXT:
The cornstarch. Mix it with a little COLD water - about a cup or more of COLD water until it takes on a liquid form. It smells like wallpaper paste
but that odor will cook away. When you get it melted, stir it in. This is what makes the pudding PUDDING. Too much and you have pie filling
or worse - wallpaper paste. Experiment.
STIR stir STIR stir STIR stir, etcetera.
NEXT:
Keep on stirring and raise the temperature slightly until the entire pot begins to bubble. STOP. Turn off the heat and get it off
the burner if you are using an electric stove. Stir a little more and let it begin to cool.
NEXT:
JUST AS THE PUDDING BEGINS TO THICKEN -Add the buttered pecans. All of them except the handful you ate. Gooooood, weren't they?
Pour your pudding into your finest crystal serving bowl(s). If you are worried about the bowls breaking, hold them under hot water for a little while. By this time the pudding should be showing serious signs of thickening. If you are too drunk to do this (or drive) safely, get help. There are some options here that you can throw in such as a little candied fruit, coconut and so forth. Sprinkle your buttered walnuts on top of the pudding then. A little nutmeg or ginger on top won't hurt either, and all your
guests will think it's just regular eggnog. You can even serve it in cups.
NEXT:
You can float a splash of Southern Comfort on top of the pudding after it sets and chills Let it sit and chill overnight while the splash of Southern Comfort soaks in like aging cheese. If you want to get REALLY dramatic, add another splash at serving time and LIGHT the whole thing before you bring it to the table, like Cherries Jubilee..
THE END:
